


What Hurts The Most

by Dazeventura6, wednesdays__child



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Jealousy, M/M, Slow Burn, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-13 15:06:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11762460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dazeventura6/pseuds/Dazeventura6, https://archiveofourown.org/users/wednesdays__child/pseuds/wednesdays__child
Summary: The story of Aaron and Spencer as told to Jack





	What Hurts The Most

**Author's Note:**

> For the One Year Mini Writing Challenge, Dazeventura6 and I have decided to do a comment fic. Bear down, folks. This is going to be a rough one. We're sorry. So very sorry.

 

Aaron stood against the far wall, arms crossed over his chest as if he were trying to hold in the heart that was trying to break out of his chest while he watched his only child rage and tear apart the room.

Jack screamed and cried while he threw books and magazines around the living room, upending the game table that held a chess game that would never be finished now. He tore pictures off the wall, shattering the glass and cutting his feet. But the boy didn't care, didn't feel it. All he felt was the pain in his heart, the one he thought he would never get past.

"This is your fault!" he screamed at his father who silently took the abuse. "How could you?! I hate you. God dammit, I hate you!! He's gone! He's gone and he's never coming back and it's all your fault!!"

More things went flying - Spencer's things - things he had brought into their lives that were stark reminders of what was and what could have been.

Jack turned, a look of murderous rage on his face, and charged at his father. Aaron easily overpowered him and held him close, clutching the boy to his chest. Jack struggled. Aaron held on. He screamed and yelled and spit and bit and still, Aaron didn't let go. Finally the anger burned out and turned to sorrow as he began to weep. Huge sobbing gasps of pain poured from his mouth, all the while still cursing his father.

Aaron let him. He was right. It was all his fault. How could he allow something like this to happen? Spencer was gone and it was all his fault.

 

Tears running down his own face as he attempted to comfort his son, his own grief weighing down on him, Aaron reflected on how they had begun.

 

The first time he had seen Spencer so young and unsure, trying so hard to hide his nervousness. He had thought him beautiful even then.

 

Aaron had been happily married, the cracks in his marriage still faint and barely noticeable but he had still noticed the young genius with his intelligence, colt-like grace, and bright curiosity. Spencer had always been so much more than a colleague or subordinate to him. At first, while Aaron was married they had kept their relationship strictly mentor and mentee right up until Georgia and Hankel had ripped Spencer’s life apart.

 

Aaron had helped him rebuild it, even if the younger man had done most of the work himself, Aaron could say that he had been there with him for nearly every step of the way. Together they had worked through the withdrawals and cravings, the tears, nausea and the sheer unadulterated wretchedness to come out the other side.

 

It had always made Aaron so proud to see Spencer come out the other side so much stronger than he had been before. They may not have known it then but those moments had sown the seeds for a much deeper relationship.

 

Finally their tears died down and faded until both father and son were simply holding each other, gasping through their pain. Softly, Aaron whispered to Jack to keep him calm before moving the boy with him to the couch. He was happy when he didn't struggle or try to move away. Once they were settled, he began to run his finger's through the dirty blond strands, smiling at how long they were now - another influence of Spencer's. 

 

"I never told you the story about how we got together, did I?"

 

"No," Jack sniffled into his chest.

 

"Well, we got trapped, Spencer and I, in a prison cell with a very bad man. It was a good thing he is so smart or else we both might have died that day."

 

________________

 

Aaron stood, still shaking with pent-up rage as he watched the young genius talk down Chester Hardwick. It was a thing of beauty, the way he manipulated the conversation and kept the murderer distracted long enough to get them free of the small cell. Aaron was more than a little surprised to discover he was hard in his trousers. He followed Spencer quickly out of the prison and into the SUV, both of them desperate to get away from here. He just hoped the younger man wouldn't notice his erection that refused to go away.

 

Aaron desperately tried to will away his erection by thinking of unsexy things.

 

_ Baseball….the last case….no don’t think of the last case and how beautiful Spencer looked when his mind was working to put clues together...wait what?!...since when did he start thinking of Spencer that way….nevermind that now….Rossi...yes think of Rossi…..that should do it. _

 

He was so busy focusing on getting rid of his erection that he didn’t notice the genius shooting him surreptitious glances as they drove away from the prison and was startled out of his reverie by the sound of the younger man’s voice.

 

“Are- are you ok Hotch?”

 

“I’m fine, Reid. I’m umm sorry for making it worse in there.” Hotch replied keeping his gaze trained on the road to avoid looking at Reid.

 

“You didn’t make it worse.”

 

“Well I didn’t exactly help matters.” Hotch answered

 

“Are you sure you are ok?”Reid asked casting a rather pointed glance at the erection still stubbornly tenting Hotch’s pants. 

 

Hotch cleared his throat, wishing he could just will this moment away. But like all things lately, it was not meant to be.

 

"That was smart what you did back there. Diverting his attention?" Aaron was doing the same thing now, hopefully to as much success. 

 

"I do some of my best work under extreme terror."

 

They'd laughed then. It was such a simple moment that he'd ended up saying more, confessing to the young genius more than he had to anyone else, his oldest friend included. They drove for a while but as much as he tried to distract himself, Aaron could not seem to get his body under his control so he suggested they stop somewhere for the night.

 

"They only have one room. You don't mind if we share, do you?"

 

"Oh, of course not, Hotch," Spencer agreed rather quickly. 

 

Once they got up to the room, they tossed their bags onto their chosen beds, Aaron's closest to the door, as always, when the older profiler turned to Spencer and asked, "Do you mind if I shower first?"

 

"No. Go for it. I'll see if I can find anything on the TV."

 

Aaron closed and locked the door behind himself before quickly stripping out of his suit. He moaned loudly when the heat of the shower spray began to pour over him, relaxing muscles that had been too tense for too long. He debated simply ignoring the persistent erection, but he knew Spencer had seen it and would be guessing what he was doing now anyway, so he might as well take care of the problem. Pouring a generous amount of conditioner into his palm, he coated his aching cock as he braced himself against the shower wall. Taking a hard pace, he jacked himself like a man on a mission, squeezing and twisting just the way he liked, knowing the quickest to get himself off. In no time, he felt the blessed release pulsing out of him and leaving him weak in the knees as he fought to catch his breath. He shock his head at himself as he finished cleaning himself off, washing away any evidence of what he'd just done. 

 

As he stepped out of the shower and began to towel off, he heard something from the other side of the door. He pressed closer, listening intently, trying to figure out what it was. Suddenly, he recognized it. The rhythmic squeaking of the mattress. The quiet moan and labored breaths. 

 

Was Spencer masturbating in the other room? Intent on knowing, Aaron pressed his ear against the door. Yes. There was no mistaking it. Spencer was pleasuring himself much like Aaron had just done. The moans and squeaks became more frantic until they stopped. Aaron froze when he heard a single word fall from Spencer's lips, barely heard through the door.

 

"Hotch."

 

Aaron couldn’t help himself, he wrenched the door open and stalked out to see Spencer looking completely debauched and coming all over his hands making Aaron’s already spent cock twitch with interest. The young genius stared at him like a deer in headlights his hips still making small jerks as his aftershocks wracked his body.

 

As though drawn like a moth to a flame Hotch moved forwards to kneel next to the younger man and drew one finger in patterns through the come covering the younger man’s belly causing Spencer to gasp before raising it to his lips to taste, all the while staring into the young genius’s hazel eyes.

 

Spencer launched himself at Hotch kissing him desperately as if he couldn’t get enough of the other man’s mouth. His tongue delving in repeatedly as though chasing an elusive taste, his hands buried in the older profiler’s short dark hair, holding him in place as he kissed him senseless.

 

Hotch levered himself up till he was lying between the younger man’s legs causing their cocks to brush against each other and drawing twin moans from both men. Moans that were quickly lost in each other’s mouths. It was only then that Hotch realised that he was still wet and naked from his shower, not that Spencer was objecting seeing as the younger man’s hands were exploring the planes of his back, scratching lightly causing goosebumps to raise on Aaron’s skin. 

 

Aaron trailed his lips over the smooth skin of Spencer's cheek before moving down to find and explore the shell of his ear and the sensitive spot behind it. He had just started to move to the younger man's neck, sucking what was sure to be an impressive mark on the tender flesh when Spencer, once again, moaned his name.

 

"Hotch."

 

The word was wrong and it was as if someone had instantly dipped him in ice cold water. He froze, his head darting up to look into confused hazel eyes.

 

"Hotch?" Spencer asked, reaching up to touch the older man's face, but Aaron was up and off the bed, darting away before he could touch. 

 

"Oh my god," he gasped, pressing his back against the wall near the bathroom. "I-I'm so sorry, Reid."

 

"For what?"

 

"For assaulting you!"

 

Spencer looked at him like he'd grown a second head. "You didn't assault me. I wanted you to, still want you to. I'm pretty sure I wasn't complaining."

 

"But I'm your superior. I have power over you."

 

"Hotch. You don't have any power over me that I don't give you. You are my boss but I'd never think that you would use that against me. Come here."

 

When he didn't move, Spencer tucked himself back into his pants and slid of the bed. Standing before the still naked, trembling man and cupping his cheek.

 

"What's the real problem?"

 

Aaron just shook his head.

 

Spencer sighed. "It's okay, Hotch. This has nothing to do with what is happening with Haley or Chester Hardwick. I want you. I have from the moment we met. If you want that too, then we will find a way to make it happen. But we don't have to decide right now, okay. Why don't you go finish up in the bathroom and then I'll take a shower of my own."

 

Aaron simply nodded and returned to finish up his routine. To his surprise, Spencer went about the rest of the night as if nothing happened. They went to dinner. They talked and had a good time just like they always had. But before they went to sleep, Spencer slipped over to the other man's bed and gently kissed him, soft but not entirely chaste either.

 

"Good night, Hotch," he whispered against his lips before pulling away and slipping into his own bed.

 

Aaron fell asleep that night with a smile on his face and a brighter outlook on life than he had the day before.

 

___________________

 

"So you and Spencer almost got killed in a prison by a crazy man and he kissed you? And you were together ever since?"

 

Aaron smiled sadly at his son. He'd kept certain parts of the story to himself, not needing to tell his son everything, but he wanted him to understand the depth of his love for Spencer.

 

"Not exactly," he said. "He kissed me that night and let me know that he was open to the idea of us but I learned very quickly that things were never, ever going to be that easy with Spencer Reid."

_________________________

Hotch wanted to accept Spencer’s invitation but he wasn’t sure how to go about it. He wasn't even sure if it was a good idea. He didn’t have the best track record with relationships and if it didn’t work out then their working relationship would be affected as well and he didn’t want that to happen. He had almost convinced himself to accept Reid’s invitation when Owen Savage happened.

_________________________________

“Owen Savage? Who’s that and what does he have to do with you and Spencer?” Jack asked still tucked in his father’s arms both of them unwilling to let the other go.

 

“I’m telling the story aren’t I?” Hotch said smiling indulgently at his son as the boy nodded vigorously.

______________________________________

Spencer had been struggling lately with his addiction and Hotch could see it which was why he was glad that the younger man had taken to going to NA meetings. The case in West Bune didn't seem to be helping at all. Hotch could see how much Spencer identified with Owen Savage and it didn’t take a profiler to guess that given Spencer’s genius and home life he had been badly bullied as a child but Hotch hadn’t expected the man to be so antagonistic towards him or take it out on everyone around him. Morgan however was strangely exempt, a fact that just caused a stab of jealousy in Hotch’s heart every time he saw them together. He wondered why he wasn’t the one Spencer confided in anymore. 

 

And then Spencer all out lied to him and did the most reckless stupid thing he had ever done in all the years that he had known him and Hotch couldn’t believe it. He was watching Spencer standing in front of a disturbed young man with a shotgun sans vest or gun, actually blocking their shot and he still couldn’t believe the genius would do something like this. It was as though someone had sucked all the air out of the world. The whole world stood still as Spencer tried to talk the young man into giving up his gun and coming in peacefully and Hotch only started breathing again when he saw Owen hand Spencer his gun. 

 

His relief quickly turned to anger and he took the opportunity to berate the younger man on the plane as soon as he had the chance. He tried to soften his dressing down but he could see that Spencer still wasn’t in a place to accept anything from him and so he left him alone hoping that the younger man would come to him when he was ready.

_______________________

 

“So you two didn’t do anything after that?” Jack asked.

 

“Well...,” Aaron said with a smile.

 

_____________________

The trial of Brian Matloff had taken a lot out of both Aaron and Spencer. They both had struggled with the ideas who he was a Unsub versus a person, was it fair of them to prosecute someone who couldn’t even remember his own crimes? In the end, of course, he had remembered and ended the debate for all of them.

 

As they pulled away from Mr. Corbett’s house, Aaron turned and smiled at Spencer. 

 

“That was a good thing you did, Reid.”

 

Spencer shrugged. “It’s nothing anyone else wouldn’t have done.”

 

“No. It’s something a compassionate, strong man would do for a grieving father. It shows me how much you have matured in the last four years, both personally and professionally.”

 

“Wow. Is that from my boss or my friend?”

 

Hotch smiled. “Both?”

 

“I can get that written up in my next performance evaluation?”

 

Aaron laughed then. “I’ll see what I can do.”

 

They were close enough to home that they didn’t really need to stay the night anywhere, but the case had been tough and they were both hungry and tired, so Aaron suggested they stop for the night. 

 

The diner next to their hotel was quirky and trendy so they weren’t all that surprised to see it packed at nine o’clock in the evening. The food was surprisingly good and they both tucked in with gusto. It was loud enough that they felt comfortable to talk about the case without disturbing anyone sitting around them.

 

“What a crazy case,” Aaron said, shaking his head.

 

“I know. Totally not what I had expected. First time I’ve even had to disarm someone outside a courthouse and try to hide an erection all in the same day.”

 

“What?!” Aaron asked, nearly choking on his food.

 

“Watching you tear that defense attorney apart was nothing short of erotic. I wish it had been video taped. Better than porn.”

 

Aaron blushed then, smiling despite himself. 

 

“You’re kidding, right?”

 

“Nope. I’ve always been attracted to intelligence and that was one the of hottest things I’ve ever witnessed.”

 

“You’d have been happy watching me work when I was a prosecutor then.”

 

Spencer groaned, his eyes nearly glazing over in lust. 

 

“It would be like being sixteen all over again. I’d have been a walking hard-on. ”

 

They both chuckled as they finished up their food before heading back to the hotel. Once they stepped inside the hotel room, they froze at the sight before them.

 

It contained a single queen size bed.

 

“Reid, I am so sorry.”

 

“It’s fine, Hotch,” Spencer said, slipping past him and placing his go-bag on the floor. “I don’t have a problem sleeping in the same bed, you know, if you don’t.”

 

Aaron sighed. It could be a problem. A very big problem. 

 

“Nope,” he denied, worried that this was a mistake.

 

Showers were taken and they settled in for the night. They both lay on their backs, neither one knowing what to say.

 

“Hotch…”

  
  


“Reid…”

 

They chuckled and Spencer turned onto his side to look at him.

 

“This doesn’t have to be weird,” he whispered.

 

“Then why does it feel weird.”

 

“Because you’re thinking too much. Let me help with that.”

 

Spencer breached the distance between them, pressing his lips to the corner of Aaron’s mouth. He allow it, breathing in the freshly showered scent of him and discovering how much he wanted this. He turned and pulled the younger man into his arms, slotting their mouths together and learning all about how Spencer Reid liked to be kissed. How he keened when Aaron bit his bottom lip. How he liked to chase Aaron’s tongue when it playfully retreated from him. How lovely his moans sounded muffled in Aaron’s mouth. 

 

That was all they did for what felt like hours - just kissed and kissed, neither of them ready to go further, just happy to learn this one simple pleasure until they both drifted off to sleep.

 

_______________________________

 

“You kissed him. So you were together after that?”

 

Aaron smiled, knowing the boy wanted him to hurry along, but each encounter was important in it’s own way and needed to told and remembered.

 

“Not exactly.”

 

“You see Spencer was usually the brave one. The one more willing to take a chance and put his heart out there. Me, I was too scared to lose him as a friend to actually take a chance and ask for what I wanted.” Hotch confessed sadly, thinking of all the missed opportunities and wasted time. 

Noticing his father’s sadness the boy snuggled in closer and demanded, “So then what happened?” 

Hotch smiled.

__________________________

The case in New York was a weird one. None of the facts lined up and it was making everyone frustrated. Hotch had heard the comments about Kate resembling Haley but chose to ignore them especially since he could see how Kate was squaring off with Morgan and feeling threatened by him. In hindsight he should probably not have taken her side so blatantly as it seemed to annoy Spencer as well and he could feel the younger man pulling away from him ever so slightly. It never occurred to Hotch that the younger man might be jealous of his perceived relationship with Kate

 

Then the bomb went off and all he could think of was getting to safety and getting someone to help Kate. In the end he was just glad they got out of it without losing anyone else.

 

Aaron could see Spencer pulling away from him in the aftermath and had been hoping to convince the younger man to drive down to DC with him but when he finally got to the SUV he found Morgan waiting for him wanting to confront him about his evaluation. And he lost his chance to talk to Reid for a good long while and it wasn’t till he had faced the probability of losing Reid altogether that Hotch found the courage to push the issue.

_________________________________

 

“That was when you hurt your ear.”

 

Jack was always a smart boy.

 

“Yeah, it still gives me trouble sometimes. I like to think it’s just old age but…” Aaron swallowed hard as he recalled the joke he and Spencer shared about his persistent hearing loss. It hadn’t been enough to keep him out of the field but it sure was close.

 

Jack pulled back to look at him and Aaron just smiled a sad smile. “Sorry, Buddy. It’s going to take some time to not think of him.”

 

“I know,” Jack whispered back before he settled back against his father’s chest. “So? When did you finally stop being stupid?”

 

Aaron chuckled. Never was the correct answer. But in the timeline Jack was referencing, he knew the answer.

 

“The first time I almost lost him.”

 

__________________________________

 

Aaron stood outside the compound, his heart in his throat and heart trying to pound out of his chest. He’d sent them in there and now they were trapped. He hadn’t known that ATF was coming but if he had, he never would have approved such an operation. As soon as they had arrived, Hotch put Dave in charge. He knew it wasn’t fair to his long time friend, not with his background, but he couldn’t do it, he was too emotionally compromised. He would do anything - _ anything _ \- to get Spencer back in one piece. 

 

He recalled the last time Spencer had been held captive by an evil man and Aaron had sent him there. How could Spencer ever trust him, ever forgive him?

 

It was a constant rollercoaster ride, listening to the tortures, the beatings, the ravings of a madman intent of killing them all, but Aaron had to listen, had to pay attention to every word Spencer said because he would help get them out, help get them rescued.

 

Then there was the explosion.

 

Fuck, he hated explosions.

 

He waited, long excruciating minutes, hoping and praying that he would get a chance to see Spencer again.

 

When that moment came he thought he just might throw up from the joy of it. 

 

Spencer emerged with Derek at his side, smoke practically curling around his head, trailing off his clothes. Aaron did his best not to sprint up to the young genius. Every instinct in him was screaming to reach out, pull the man into his arms and never let go.

 

If only it had been that easy.

 

Spencer smiled at him as if he knew exactly what Aaron was thinking. A small embrace had Spencer whispering in his ear, “Later.”

 

Later was taking too long for Aaron’s liking. There were wellness checks, debriefings, a talk with Emily and Dave, paperwork to finish up and a governor to call. He hated this. He hated this part when it kept him from what he wanted -  _ needed _ to do.

 

Finally, he dragged himself to his hotel room, exhaustion warring against his need to find the youngest agent. He had barely stepped inside the door when he was grabbed and pushed against the wall, hot lips pressed against his own in a searing kiss.

 

When Spencer finally pulled away, he stared into Aaron’s lust blown eyes.

 

“Are you done dicking around yet or are you going to keep pretending you don’t want me as much as a I want you?”

 

“Yeah, Yeah I’m done pretending. I do want you. So much. I- I don’t know what I would have done if I’d lost you” Hotch gasped against Spencer’s lips quickly pulling the younger man into another deep desperate kiss his hands buried in the younger man’s caramel locks holding him firmly in place. He poured all the fear and anxiety of the past two days into the kiss till Spencer gentled him. 

 

“Shh, I’m right here. Shhh. I’m not going anywhere. You can have me. Any way you want me.” Spencer soothed pulling away a little and rubbing soothing patterns up and down his spine before pulling him into a kiss of such sweetness that it almost brought tears to Hotch’s eyes.

 

The older profiler brought his hands up around Spencer and clung to him even as he returned the kiss with all the tenderness he felt for the genius. He pulled away to place a trail of kisses and nips down Spencer’s neck towards his collar bone. 

 

When Spencer winced slightly as Hotch pressed closer he stopped, pulled away and looked into the young man’s eyes.

 

“I don’t want to hurt you. Maybe we shouldn’t do this right now?” Hotch said pulling away uncertainly.

 

“No no no no no. You are not doing this to me again. I finally have you right where I want you and no, nope. We are not going to let a few bruises stop us. Not this time,” Spencer said stepping into Hotch, grabbing at the tails of his shirt that had come untucked when they were kissing and using it to pull the other man closer.

 

Hotch laughed softly and brought his hand up to cup Spencer’s cheek, rubbing softly along the line of it before moving to trace the younger man’s lips staring intently at them all the while an expression of hunger on his face.

 

“I want to, believe me. I need you so much. And my libido hates me for saying this but maybe we should do this the right way? Go on a date first? What we need tonight is some sleep. We’re both tired. I doubt you got any sleep last night and I know I didn’t.”

 

“Fine. I hate that you’re right. Fine, a date when we get back.” Spencer huffed, still not moving away.

 

“How does tomorrow night sound? I don’t think I can wait any longer.” Hotch said a dimple popping smile on his face.

 

“Thank all the gods for that. Tomorrow night it is.” Spencer said moving forwards to place one last kiss on his superior’s lips.

 

“Could-could I stay here with you tonight though. I don’t really want to let go yet.” Hotch said uncertainly.

 

“Yes, of course you can.” Spencer said as he drew the other man towards the bed where they both stripped to their underwear and climbed in snuggling up together and were soon fast asleep.

_______________________

“You took Spencer on a date?” Jack giggled.

 

“I took Spencer out on lots of dates.”

 

“Then how come nobody but me and Aunt Jess know about you?”

 

“Well, we wanted to do things our way without the rest of the team interfering.”

 

“Did it work?”

 

Aaron sighed. “Not really.”

 

_____________________________________

 

The idea of a date with Spencer had been both exciting and frightening at the same time. He liked the idea of taking things slow, especially since they were really doing things kind of backwards up to this point, but he wanted to do right by the younger man. He knew Spencer had been through alot in his short life. Aaron wanted to give him something different, to be something special. But once they landed back in D.C., Morgan tried to throw a wrench in their plans.

 

“Come on, Pretty Boy,” Morgan begged. “You gotta at least let me take you home. Gotta make sure my boy is taken care of.”

 

“Your boy is just fine, Derek. I’m not a child,” Spencer replied. “Besides, Hotch said he’d take me.”

 

“Hotch? Doesn’t Hotch have anything better to do?”

 

“He might,” Spencer said with a smirk and a surreptitious wink thrown his way. “But my place is on his way. He offered and I accepted.”

 

“Alright,” Morgan finally conceded. “But if you need anything this weekend, you let me know.”

 

After the promises of regular updates and rest for the weekend, they were finally alone. 

 

“For a minute I thought we were going to have to reschedule our date,” Aaron said as they made their way to his vehicle. 

 

“Not in this lifetime or the next, Agent Hotchner,” Spencer said with a smile. “I was promised a date and a date I shall have.”

 

They talked all the way to Spencer’s apartment, trying to decide on what to do for their very first date. Spencer smiled at Aaron’s suggestion.

 

“Look at you,” he teased. “I suppose I should have figured you for such a romantic but I am truly surprised. How dressed up should I be?”

 

“Not too dressy,” Aaron teased. “I don’t want to have to worry about stripping you out of too many layers at the end of the night.”

 

“Promises, promises.”

 

“I want this to be a night we both remember, Spencer.”

 

And that it most certainly was.

_____________________________

 

“So? Where did you take him then? Your first date?” Jack asked curiously.

 

“We went to the Smithsonian. The gardens are quite beautiful at sunset,” Hotch answered, holding his son closer as though to hold the memory closer to his heart.

 

_______________________________

 

The gardens were beautiful and Hotch had planned a picnic for them that he had managed to put together after a quick visit to the supermarket. Spencer looked ethereal in the golden light of sunset, and in that beautiful setting looked like a fey creature visiting from another world.

 

They walked along holding hands and admiring the beauty of the gardens although Hotch was more interested in watching Spencer admire the gardens and listening to the almost continuous stream of information Spencer provided about everything they were seeing. It often amazed the man exactly how much the young genius knew about so many different subjects.

 

Hotch was still staring at Spencer his mind marveling that someone so beautiful both inside and out would want him when Spencer turned to look at him and smiled.

 

“Have you even heard a word I’m saying?” He asked smiling at the besotted expression on the older man’s face.

 

“Every single word Spencer. Every single word. You are so beautiful. I don’t deserve you.” Hotch said pausing to set the picnic basket down and reaching out to cup the other man’s cheek and look into his eyes. “So very beautiful.”

 

Spencer blushed and averted his gaze before looking up to meet his gaze again.

 

“You are the beautiful one Aaron Hotchner. And you do deserve every happiness. I hope I make you happy.”

 

Aaron stared at those cherry red lips for a few more moments before moving to brush them with his own again and again. Slowly, tenderly nipping and sucking at Spencer’s lips causing the younger man to moan into his mouth before drawing back to admire the blissful expression on the young genius’s face. 

 

The wandered the garden some more in companionable silence stopping every so often to kiss each other. Each kiss both passionate and tender, promising more at the end of the night. Finally they came up to some picnic benches and sat down to enjoy their meal.

 

Over the meal they talked about everything from scientific papers they had read recently to movies they wanted to watch and what Jack was doing these days. It was so effortless with Spencer, so easy and it made Aaron wonder what had taken them so long to get here. 

 

After the meal they drove back to Spencer’s apartment and walked up the stairs together holding hands and kissing every few steps. It was as if they couldn’t get enough of each other.

 

______________________________

 

“Is that why you called the gardens?” Jack asked.

 

Aaron figured he shouldn’t have been surprised that the boy had listened in on his phone conversation. It would make the rest of his story all that much more painful to tell.

 

“Yeah,” Aaron said, his voice catching in his throat. “I know how hard it is to reserve space for that many people.” 

 

Jack sighed and sat quiet for a while, the two of them simply holding each other until the boy prompted him, “And then what?”

 

Aaron chuckled as he felt the deep, hot blush begin to creep up his neck and over his cheeks. He quietly whispered, “And then I had one of the best nights of my life.”

 

_________________________

 

They finally made it inside Spencer’s apartment and Aaron couldn’t help but press the younger man up against the wall, dropping the basket and letting his hands roam and wander over every inch of flesh they could reach. Spencer was not idle either, reaching down to untuck Aaron’s shirt before running his palms over the planes on Aaron’s back, stroking and teasing the flexing muscles there. 

 

Aaron pulled away, staring into Spencer’s lust blown eyes. He marvelled at how debauched the young genius looked - kiss swollen lips, tousled locks and flushed skin - all for him, all because of him. He leaned forward, bypassing the kiss Spencer so obviously wanted to whisper in his ear.  

 

“I want you, Spencer. We’ve both almost been blown up in the last few weeks. I can’t keep denying this or us. I need you. Please let me have you.”

 

Spencer couldn’t speak, he only nodded wildly as his breaths came out in harsh, gasping pants. Aaron reached down then, hooking his hands beneath the trim thighs and lifted Spencer easily. Those delicious legs wrapped around his waist as arms hooked around his neck and they kissed each other as if their lives depended on it.

 

And in way, they had.

 

Aaron walked them carefully down the hallway toward Spencer’s bedroom. Occasionally he would bump into the wall, forcing a small grunt out of the man in his arms and he couldn’t help but smile. Spencer never let up, never let go, never stopped kissing him. 

 

He never did.

 

Finally, they reached their destination and both men quickly set out to rid the other of his clothing. Layers fell to the floor in their haste, losing a button or two in the process. Aaron never did find one of his socks from that night. Blessedly naked, they tumbled onto the bed, learning each other with hands and mouths, fingers touching and mapping soft, warm skin, tongues tasting every sweaty piece of flesh. When Aaron finally slid inside his love, they both moaned long and loud. The stretch, the burn, the tight, the heat, all nearly too much and they both fought to hold off as long as they could, all the while aching to dive in and never emerge again.

 

Aaron came first, thrusting deep inside, his hips rolling and pistoning as if they weren’t even connected to the rest of his body, the need completely taking over. Spencer gasped and followed when his cock was surrounded by the strong grip of Aaron’s relentless strokes, sending him hurtling over the edge. They stayed there, panting as they fought to catch their breath. Aaron went to move, to get something to clean them up, but as he shifted, Spencer reached down and grabbed his ass, pulling him close again, not letting him retreat.

 

“Stay,” he whispered.

 

Aaron nodded. He didn’t know what exactly Spencer meant - inside him, in the bed, overnight, forever - but he wanted that. He wanted to stay. So he did. They came together over and over again - loving, touching, kissing, fucking - all until the sun rose and on into the next day. 

 

It was one of the best night of his life.

 

**************************

 

The weeks that followed were some of the happiest of Hotch’s life. There were more dates just as wonderful as the first, more nights spent together learning each other’s bodies, stolen kisses and touches at work when they could manage to sneak away from the rest of the team. In spite of the horrifying nature of the cases they dealt with Hotch found he had never been more content or happy.

 

Then a case in Vegas started Spencer having nightmares, nightmares that eventually involved his father. Watching his lover struggle with the dreams and possible repressed memories and not being able to do anything about it in front of the team was agonising. He knew that Spencer would not accept his help right now, wanting to deal with it himself so when Morgan and Rossi offered to stay and help Reid with his investigation Hotch was relieved. He knew that Spencer would more easily accept help from them than him and even though the thought hurt he did what he could for the younger man.

 

When they got back Spencer was much sadder and no less conflicted about his father. The father who had abandoned him to take care of his sick mother when he was ten. The only bright spot was watching Spencer with a new born Henry. 

 

The bright smile on the younger profiler’s face and the tenderness in his eyes as he looked at his godson caused Hotch’s heart to lurch and it was in that moment that he knew that he was hopelessly lost. There would be no turning back, he was irrevocably in love with the lanky genius and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

________________

 

“So that’s when you knew you were in love? Did you tell him then?” Jack asked.

 

“No, it took me a while longer to tell him. It wasn’t until a case in Atlanta that I said it to him, blurted it out more like.” Hotch said smiling at the memory.

 

__________________

 

Spencer was nervous, really nervous. He hadn’t been this nervous in a very long time. Aaron hadn’t so much as said two words to him since the case had ended, going so far as to barely look at Spencer as they boarded the plane. Spencer had seen Aaron angry before, plenty of times actually, but not like this, not at him. 

 

They left the jet and went to the BAU and still Aaron didn’t look at him. Aaron immediately went up to his office without so much as a backwards glance.

 

Now Spencer was really worried.

 

They all worked diligently to complete their reports before, one by one, they all filed out of the bullpen, happy to be away from the tense situation until finally all that was left were Aaron and Spencer. Looking up at the Unit Chief’s office, Spencer was surprised to see the blinds were closed. Aaron almost never closed his blinds, especially after a case. It was a habit the man had gotten into as a way to let his team know that he was there for them if they needed him. Now they were closed and Spencer pondered what that meant exactly.

 

Finally done with his report, Spencer decided he needed to turn it in right away instead of just dumping it in his outbox. He needed to know that he and Hotch were okay. Knocking lightly, he waited until he heard a noise inside. He pushed the door open and stepped, surprised to see Aaron bent low over his desk, writing furiously and refusing to even look at him.

 

“Hotch?” He ventured.

 

“Yes, Reid,” was nearly snapped back at him.

 

“Umm...I brought you my report.”

 

“That wasn’t necessary. Just put it in my box. Feel free to go home.”

 

No please. No thank you. Just go home. 

 

Spencer didn’t like this at all.

 

“Did I do something, Aaron?”

 

He didn’t know if it was the question or the use of his first name, but Aaron’s head shot up then, pinning Spencer to the spot as he tried his best not the shrink under the Hotchner Glare.

 

Finally, the older profiler growled out. “Did you do something?” He stood slowly, pulling himself up to his full height before stepping out and around his desk, slowly stalking toward the young genius. “Did you really just ask me that?”

 

“I don’t underst…”

 

“You gave her your number,” Aaron interrupted.

 

“Who?”

 

“Who?!” He shouted, too loud in such a small room. “Who?!? That girl! The bartender! On a case, Reid! And you gave her your number!”

 

“Austin? I gave her my card so she could call us with a lead, which she did.”

 

Aaron leaned in close so their noses were nearly touching. Spencer fought hard not to blink.

 

“You gave her  _ your _ number, Spencer. Your  _ personal _ number. And she called you. You flirted with her, touched her.”

 

“I...how do you know I flirted with her?”

 

“Morgan told me. Said you were quite the ladies man and she was quite taken with you. Told me all about how you might actually get some tail out of this.”

 

Spencer scoffed. “Hotch, it was nothing. I was…”

 

“It’s not nothing!” Aaron screamed, his rage near boiling now. “You can’t just go around and flirt with a beautiful woman like that, not when the man who is in love with you is right there. Did you even think about how I was going to feel when I…”

 

“Wait,” Spencer interrupted, bringing his hands up to Aaron’s heaving chest, pressing the older man back enough to look him in the eyes. “The man who is in love with me?”

 

“Yes, Reid! I was right there and you…”

 

“Wait! You're in love with me?”

 

“Christ!” Aaron nearly shouted then as he bolted forward, grabbing the younger man in a death grip, one hand in his hair, the other at his waist, pulling him in for a harsh kiss. Spencer gasped at the rough treatment, immediately opening under the onslaught. Aaron licked and nipped and bit, taking Spencer’s mouth as if he lived and breathed through him. 

 

Spencer found himself pulled deeper into the office, gasping loudly when his ass made contact with the desk. Aaron pulled back, his eyes nearly black with lust as he growled, “Over the desk, pants down.”

 

He scrambled to comply, fingers flying to unbuckle his belt before yanking open his pants and shoving them down his thighs. He had just started to perch over the desk when he felt a cold, slick finger slide down his crack before quickly breaching his hole. He gasped at the too cold slick and quick preparation but Aaron would not be deterred. One finger became two and then hot breath ghosted over his left ear.

 

“You’d better hold on to something.” Spencer gasped at the sinful purr in his ear. “You’re mine, Spencer. Remember this the next time some pretty little thing bats her eyes at you.”

 

Spencer barely had time to grab a hold of the edge of the desk before he was slammed into the hard surface as Aaron entered him in one long, hard thrust. He pressed his lips together hard, willing himself not to make any noise and attract any unwanted attention. Right now, he had all the attention he wanted.

 

Aaron was a man on a mission. His hips flew, pulling nearly all the way out before slamming back in, his hip bones making dents on Spencer’s perk ass cheeks. His fingers were gripping slim hips so tight that Spencer knew he’d have bruises there, but they were bruises he would treasure for days to come.

 

Aaron loved him - was in love with him - Spencer Reid. And this was Aaron laying his claim. He relaxed as much as he could, lifting up onto his toes to try and give his love a better angle, to meet him halfway, to give himself over completely to this need. 

 

Soon, one hand strayed from his hip to find his cock and at the first brush of calluses, Spencer cried out, back arching, as he spilled over that hand and painted the front of Aaron’s desk. He felt teeth at the back of his neck, biting and marking as Aaron groaned and pressed in hard, his cock pulsing deep inside, filling him up. It seemed like it just went on and on, an endless wave of pleasure until finally Aaron thrust in as far as he could go and froze.

 

They stayed like that for a long time, both panting hard, fighting to catch their breath. Finally, Aaron whispered.

 

“I love you.”

 

It was nearly a question, like he’d just realized he’d said it before without meaning to, which probably wasn’t too far off the mark. 

 

Spencer chuckled.

 

“I love you too.”

 

He felt the smile against his shoulder.

 

“Lose her number.”

 

He smiled back. 

 

“It’s already gone.”

___________________

 

“You were jealous.” Jack said grinning up at his dad, “So jealous of that girl.”

 

“Of course I was. Spencer was young, brilliant and could probably have anybody he wanted. I’m just glad he wanted me, loved me like he did.” Hotch replied smiling back a little sheepishly.

 

“He loved us both, so much, didn’t he?” Jack asked looking sad as he remembered what had just happened.

 

“Yeah buddy, he did. You remember that.” Hotch said smiling sadly down at his son.

 

______________________________

 

The next few months were a bit of a rollercoaster ride for the team with some cases hitting a little closer to home for some of the team members but through it all Aaron and Spencer managed to stick together and be there for each other spending every spare moment together. 

 

They had gotten into the habit of arriving and leaving together, easily passed off as Aaron offering to give Spencer a ride as it was on the way, spending the nights alternating between each other's apartments. Though they tended to end up at Spencer’s place more often than not since Aaron didn't quite think of his new apartment as home even after all these months.

 

Aaron was not quite ready to introduce Jack to their relationship and Spencer was too nervous about meeting Jack as his dad’s boyfriend to push the issue so weekends when they were in town and Aaron had Jack were when Spencer ran his errands and worked on papers or studied for his philosophy degree. 

 

Then the Reaper resurfaced and sent Aaron into a tailspin. The guilt of not having taken the deal, of not figuring it out sooner nearly destroyed Aaron and he started pulling away from Spencer little by little.

 

Watching Aaron struggle with his feeling of guilt and inadequacy hurt Spencer and it hurt even more that Aaron wouldn’t let him help but the younger man was determined to be there for Aaron whether he wanted him to be or not and slowly he began to chip away at the walls Aaron had built making an even bigger place for himself in the other man’s heart.

 

It made the events that followed even more devastating for both men. 

 

Aaron stood, staring in at his lover through a pane of glass, everything inside him screaming to run in there, to get him out. He couldn’t believe that Spencer had gone in the house by himself and ended up exposed to such a horrendous threat. Derek was next to him, practically yelling at the Unit Chief to go in and pull the young genius out by the hair if necessary.

 

They stared at each other through the window of Dr. Nichols’ makeshift lab, Spencer begging him through the phone to let him stay, let him find the cure. The younger man was pleading with him, silently staring at Aaron, needing him to see that he was right.

 

He hated it, hated this, but Aaron eventually agreed. He knew Spencer was right but that didn’t mean he had to like it. He knew Morgan was mad at him but he didn’t care. All he really cared about was Spencer.

 

He did his best to focus on the case. There were hundreds of lives on the line and he couldn’t help them if all he could think about was one - one that he had left in a lab, exposed to a possibly fatal dose of anthrax.

 

Eventually, the Unsub was caught and a cure was found. Spencer would survive but would have to stay in the hospital for several days. Aaron tried to go see him but Morgan insisted on staying with Spencer, his guilt over letting the younger man go into the house without him making him hover close by.

 

Finally, Spencer was released and Aaron was anxious to see him, to touch him, to know that he was still alive and well. He was surprised at how weak he seemed, how tired he looked. The normally vibrant, luminous man looked drawn and sallow, every breath seemed labored, every step of chore.

 

“I did this,” Aaron whispered, his heart hurting as he stepped in close, pulling Spencer into his arms. “I should have protected you.”

 

“I needed to stay, Aaron. You know that. It was the best way to find the cure.”

 

“I know, Spencer, but…”

 

“But what?”

 

“I could have lost you.”

 

“Aaron…”

 

“No, Spencer. I could have lost you and I don’t know what I would do if that ever happened. Please promise you will be safer. I need to know you’re okay.”

 

“I’ll promise if you will.”

 

Aaron smiled pulling the younger man in, kissing him softly.

 

“I promise.”

 

_______________________________

 

“You broke your promise,” Jack whispered.

 

“I know.”

________________________________

 

Spencer’s first case back and it was quite possibly the worst case of their entire lives. One look at the farmhouse and the bin with the shoes in it and it had Aaron wanting to strangle Mason Turner. He couldn’t really blame William Hightower for shooting him. The terrified shocked expression on Garcia’s face when she saw what was buried in Mason’s computer and the sad beaten down looks of the rest of his team would haunt Hotch for a long time. It made them all wonder if they made any difference at all in a world where the Turner brother’s could kill so many people and get away with it for so long.

 

When they got back to Quantico everyone wanted their space and Hotch didn’t blame them. They all retreated to their own corners and worked on their report all wanting to be done with the case as soon as possible. By unspoken agreement both Aaron and Spencer decided to take a rare night apart from each other to process the events of the past few days. It was a decision that both men would regret for the rest of their lives.

________________________________

 

“That was the night George first attacked you, wasn't it” Jack asked “When mom and I went traveling with the Marshalls.”

 

“Yes that was when we sent you away to protect you both.” Hotch said sadly

 

__________________________________

 

Foyet was in his house. Attacking him in the one place where he should be safest. They had not expected him to fixate on one of the team or to  stalk him like this and in hindsight they should have. That didn’t matter now. The only thing that mattered was to catch the sonofabitch and prevent him from hurting anyone else. But Foyet was strong and the gun going off so close to his bad ear dazed him long enough for Foyet to attack and stab him and there was no coming back from that for Aaron.

 

Waking up in hospital with no one but Emily there scared him. He was in so much pain. He didn’t really remember what had happened after Foyet had stabbed him the first time, it was all so hazy. Then he had to send Haley and Jack away to protect them and it was breaking his heart but still no Spencer. 

 

Where was Spencer? The rest of his team was there and strangely silent about his absence. When he asked Emily she had just told him not to worry about that for now and just concentrate on himself. This only made him more anxious. Had Foyet attacked Spencer as well? Where was his love?

 

Finally, it was JJ who broke the news of the shooting to him, telling him that Spencer had had surgery on his leg and would be fine with time. It just wasn’t enough. Aaron would not be satisfied until he saw the young genius himself and assured himself that he was actually alright.

 

Spencer it seemed had had the same idea and talked the paramedics into bringing him to the same hospital Aaron was in. A few hours after his surgery, he sweet talked one of his nurses into bringing him down to see Aaron. So when Aaron woke from his nap it was to find Spencer sitting in a wheelchair next to his bed his leg wrapped in bandages.

 

“Spencer! Shouldn’t you be resting?” Aaron said reaching for the young man’s hand to pull him closer.

 

“I’m fine. I just needed to make sure that you were alright.” Spencer smiled before the smile faded a little. “I heard about Haley and Jack. I’m so sorry Aaron, I wish there was something I could do.”

 

“Yeah, me too. We just need to catch the Foyet. Then they can come back.”

 

“I’ll help. You know I will be there for you. The rest of the team will want to help as well. The sooner he is caught the better for everyone.” Spencer said wheeling his chair closer to the bed to touch Aaron’s face.

 

Aaron nuzzled the hand stroking his cheek but then his face fell as a sudden thought struck him and he pulled away.

 

“Aaron?”

 

“Maybe it would be better if you stayed away from me as well Spencer. I couldn’t handle it if I lost you too.”

 

“No, there is no way I am letting you go through this alone and you haven’t lost Haley and Jack. They’ll be back as soon as we catch Foyet.” The younger man said gripping Aaron’s hand tightly in his. “Besides there is no way I can stay at my place with my leg like this. In case you forgot, my building hasn’t got an elevator. So unless you want me to suffer Morgan’s hovering I’m staying with you. We can take care of each other while we recover.”

 

“Maybe you will be better off with Morgan.” Hotch said averting his eyes.

 

“Uh uh, no way. You are not gonna talk me out of this or push me away. Is that clear?” Spencer said moving Hotch’s face so he had to meet his eyes with a gentle hand on his chin.  

 

Hotch eventually relented, just as he always did with Spencer. When the younger man couldn’t reason with him emotionally, he used his intelligence to get his way. However, despite living and working in close proximity, Spencer watched as Aaron continued to pull away from him. It hurt to see the man he loved closing himself off, refusing all help and retreating into himself in his grief.  Aaron spent hour after hour pouring over his files, hanging up photos all over his home office and searching the internet for any clues as to what George Foyet might be up to.  His concern for his family was all consuming and it was affecting their relationship. 

 

Spencer snuck in one night while Aaron was bent low over his desk, studying the picture of Haley and Jack that the monster had left in his wallet, looking for any clue of what his next step would be. He knew Aaron had heard him, it was difficult to be quiet on a pair of crutches, but the man didn’t move. When Spencer laid out map after map and began working on a geographic profile, Aaron turned and watched him. He glared, hot and heavy, as if he was hoping to make Spencer go away by sheer will alone. But Spencer would not be moved. 

 

So, despite Aaron’s stubborn nature, he let the young genius help him hunt The Reaper.

 

Spencer grew worried as he watched the man he loved slowly began to unravel before his eyes. The first shock was when Aaron stepped down as Unit Chief. It seemed as if as soon as he put Morgan in change, he lost the need to take care of himself, his drive to do more, be more, pushed him onward and Spencer was afraid for the first time in a long time that he was going to lose Aaron completely. 

 

At the office, Aaron was closed off and reckless. At home, he was hot and cold - one moment needy and wanton, clinging to Spencer as if he was afraid he’d disappear the moment he let go, the next, distant and hard with rough sex and rougher words. 

 

Spencer wondered how long it would be before he would finally break. 

 

________________________

 

“Did you?”

 

Aaron looked confused at the question.

 

“Break.”

 

“How could I not?”

_______________________________

 

When he finally did break it wasn’t like anyone expected. Hearing Haley die while he was on the phone with her, not knowing if Jack had managed to hide from him tore Hotch apart. He barely held it together long enough to drive to the house and when Foyet attacked him, he lost it completely, practically beating the man to pulp. 

 

Spencer feared what they would find when they finally reached them. He wondered if there would be anything left of the man he loved and if they could bring him back from this. Finding Hotch clinging to the corpse of his dead wife while he sobbed his heart out was heartbreaking and Spencer didn't know if he would ever be the same again. He really hoped that Aaron would not push him away this time but he didn't hold out much hope.

 

Spencer could feel every step Aaron took away from him until at the funeral when Hotch would talk to Dave but barely looked at Spencer he finally knew. He had lost Aaron. There would be no more weekends spent in bed together, no more late night snuggles and conversations and certainly no more them.

 

The younger profiler didn't even need Aaron’s speech about needing to concentrate on Jack now that he was a single parent to see that there would be no talking Aaron out of it. He understood, he really did, about needing to be there for Jack but he didn’t see why he couldn’t also be there for them both. 

 

Hotch felt a certain numbness come over him in the days leading up to Haley’s funeral and the only thing that could cause even the slightest thaw in his frozen heart was Jack. He could see how much he was hurting Spencer but he didn’t know what else to do. The younger man deserved better than the broken down monster of a man that he had become.

 

He needed to protect Spencer from himself. He was a monster who had beaten a man to death with his bare hands and the only thing he could do now to make amends was try to be the hero his son still thought he was and maybe some day he would deserve Spencer again but he didn’t hold out much hope of the younger man waiting for him for that long.

_______________________________

 

“I know it was wrong to push him away when I needed him the most and it was hurting him as much as it hurt me. But grief does strange things to people.” Hotch said sadly.

 

“So then, how did you get back together with him?” Jack asked.

 

Hotch chuckled, soft and deep. “It took a long time and neither one of us saw it coming.”

 

______________________

 

Time passed, months rolled forward steadily as time always does. He healed slowly, his heart and mind focused on keeping Jack happy and healthy, balancing home and work. The support of his team bolstered him, gave him the strength he needed everyday just to get out of bed and be Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner. 

 

His friendship with Reid was repairing itself too in several surprising ways. They were slowly becoming friends again. As they joked and teased some of their teammates or went out as a group, he found himself gravitating toward the young genius, much like he had when Spencer had first joined the team. It shocked him how much he missed this. He missed talking to Reid or just listening to the man ramble. He missed chess games he knew he was going to lose and crosswords the other man would complete without any assistance. He missed movie night and popcorn and museums.

 

He missed the gardens.

 

But he apparently wasn’t as attuned to Spencer as he once was because he never saw the signs, didn’t know that Spencer was in pain until he watched a man chant over Spencer, gripping his hands so tightly that Spencer flinched in pain. But Aaron knew that face, had watched it so many times he knew what to look for, what to see. Spencer wasn’t flinching because of the man squeezing his hands, he had a migraine. Suddenly several things fell into place and Aaron wanted to beat himself for missing the signs - the sunglasses, the irritability, the need for quiet on the jet or in the office. He wondered how long he had missed it.

 

Once they returned from Florida, Hotch made sure to pull the younger man aside.

 

“Your migraines are back.”

 

It wasn’t a question and Spencer didn’t bother to deny the accusation, he simply nodded his head, wincing at the simple action.

 

“Are you seeing anyone? Can I get you anything?”

 

“Why do you care?” Spencer answered, his voice barely above a whisper.

 

Aaron was taken aback by that. “Why wouldn’t I? Just because we’re not together anymore doesn’t mean I don’t care, Spencer. I can’t just turn it off, you know. I still…”

 

“What? Love me?”

 

It was a challenge. One Aaron wasn’t sure he was ready to meet.

 

“You said forever.”

 

He was ready.

 

“I meant it.”

 

They stared at each other for several long, tense moments before Spencer finally dropped his eyes. “Yeah, I’m seeing someone. No one knows what it is yet.”

 

Taking a chance and reaching out his hand, Aaron gripped Spencer’s shoulder, squeezing the tense muscles beneath his fingers. 

 

“Please promise me you’ll let me know if I can help in any way. Any time you need, just let me know.”

 

“You and I don’t do so well with promises.”

 

Aaron smiled despite the pain in his heart.

 

“No we don’t.”

 

Over the next few months they moved tentatively closer together as inch by inch the space between them was filled with small kindnesses and dates with Jack along sometimes. A cup of coffee left on a desk when one was tired, an offer of a quiet dark room when the migraines wouldn’t let go, a trip to the zoo with Jack or a trip to the museums as a family and they were almost back to where they had been before. Neither was quite ready to go back to the gardens but Spencer was more willing to believe that Hotch was serious as Jack was now included in their relationship. 

 

Soon after the conversation he had had with Reid about his migraines that ended with them confessing that they still loved each other Hotch had talked to Jessica about his relationship with Spencer and she had been extremely supportive of it and had even offered to watch Jack so the two men could have some time together and Hotch had been extremely grateful for that as they needed the time to bridge the gaps between them.

 

Just as Hotch felt that they were back to where they had been before Foyet another psychopath with revenge on his mind came into their lives and ripped Emily away leaving a grieving heart-broken team and a guilt-stricken Hotch.

 

Hotch could barely look at Spencer in the aftermath, knowing that he was lying to his lover was killing him a little at a time. He knew that Spencer had been turning to JJ for comfort since Hotch couldn’t bring himself to offer him any after his lies. It hurt so much and he did what he always did when he was hurting, he pulled away from everyone especially Spencer.

 

But Spencer wasn’t having it. He was done letting Aaron push him away. Losing Emily had brought home to him how short life was and he needed to do something, something a little bit crazy. So he invited Hotch on a date and arranged for Jessica to watch Jack for the night.

 

When Hotch saw where they were going his heart cracked a little. They were at the gardens and Spencer was carrying a picnic basket. When they reached the spot where they had picnicked the first time and Spencer started to pull out the food Aaron’s heart cracked a little bit more and it took all his control to keep his tears on the inside.

 

“I’m not going to let you push me away this time Aaron. You can’t keep doing this and expect me to be ok with it. I love you and losing Emily like that….I just can’t imagine losing you and you not knowing exactly how much you mean to me. So….Aaron Hotchner will you marry me?” Spencer asked holding Aaron’s hands in his and looking into his eyes all his love right there in those hazel eyes.

 

Hearing Spencer propose and seeing the love the younger man had for him was too much for Hotch. Tears streaming down his face he turned his head away to stare unseeingly at the gardens.

 

“There is nothing I would love more Spencer, but…...I can’t. I can’t do that to you.” Hotch said still not looking at the younger man even as the grip on his hands increased. “Not when I’m lying to you like this.”  He muttered under his breath.

 

But Spencer caught the whisper. 

 

“Lying to me?” Spencer asked, his eyes wide with hurt and confusion. “What could you be lying to me about?”

 

“No,” Aaron gasped, realizing his mistake much too late. “No, no, Spencer that’s not what I…”

 

It didn’t matter. The younger man was already thinking, analyzing, his brilliant brain running at full speed as he tried to figure out what Aaron was saying. He watched as Spencer’s eyes darted back and forth as if he was reading something, remembering everything from the last few months since Aaron had started pulling away.

 

His hazel eyes flew even wider as realization dawned on him. Softly he whispered, “Emily.”

 

“Spencer,” Aaron begged, his hands reaching out, begging for the other man to understand. “It’s not…”

 

“It’s not what, Aaron? She’s not dead, is she? They sent her away to protect her.”

 

“I can’t…”

 

“What? You can’t tell me? It’s like some huge secret that will be a threat to State’s security if you tell me?”

 

Aaron froze. He didn’t know what to say to that.

 

“Let me guess. JJ knows too. It’s why she's being extra nice to me. She’s overcompensating.”

 

They stared at each other, silence reigning between them. Aaron had nothing to say. Spencer had said it all.

 

Finally, Spencer reached up a gentle hand, cupping the jaw he loved so much.

 

“You could have told me, Aaron,” he whispered. “I know you’ve probably been told you can’t but do you really think that I would ever betray you like that, that I would let anyone, even JJ, know that I discovered the truth?”

 

“It was too risky. If anyone knows you’ve found out, it’s not just our jobs we will be losing, Spencer. They’d fire us and possibly prosecute us. They’d split up the team and we’d lose Jack.”

 

“But we’re not going to,” Spencer said back, his voice calm and even. “You don’t think I can be around the team and play this off. We’ve been together for months now and not even some of the best profilers in the business know about us yet. I can do this. You should have trusted me, Aaron.”

 

Spencer was right. Not even Dave knew about them and Rossi knew him better than anyone. Maybe they could do this. Maybe it would be okay if Spencer knew.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Spencer. I wanted to tell you but I couldn’t and it was killing me lying to you. I want you. I want yes. I want this. So...yes. Yes, I’ll marry you, if you’ll still have me.”

 

Spencer pulled him and kissed him hard, stealing his breath away. 

 

“Yes, I’ll still have you, Aaron Hotchner. But you have to promise me - really promise me - no more lies.”

 

“I promise.”

 

They spent the evening in the gardens they both loved, feeding each other and holding hands and talking about their future, secure in the knowledge that they would always have each other.

 

____________________________

 

“So then why didn’t you and Spencer get married right then?”

 

Aaron sighed. “Well, there were complications. Our jobs and I was his boss. There was you to think about and…”

 

“That’s stupid,” Jack interjected. “What was the real reason.”

 

Aaron couldn’t help but smile. His son was so smart.

 

“I didn’t realize it that day but I promised no more lies to Spencer but he didn’t promise the same thing to me.”

 

Jack leaned back, a thoughtful look on his face.

 

“So you lied about MIss Emily. What did Spencer lie about?”

 

Aaron sighed, holding back a new wave of tears. 

 

“Maeve Donovan.”

 

_________________

 

Shortly after they became engaged Hotch was shipped off to Afghanistan leaving Jack in the care of Jessica and Spencer. They didn’t really have much time to tell anyone other than Jessica about their engagement before the older man had to leave and plans for the ceremony were temporarily put on hold and it would be more than a year before they were brought up again.

 

Spencer missed Hotch terribly and even the occasional Skype calls were not enough to stave off the loneliness and it was at that point that someone suggested he put his symptoms up on an internet notice board in the hopes that some medical professional would have a cure for his migraines. 

 

The only one who responded with some hope for a cure was Dr. Maeve Donovan, a geneticist who had done some research on the subject. And so he started writing to her. It began with him sending her his scans and medical information and her offering suggestions as to a treatment of his symptoms. 

 

As it progressed though, Spencer began to relish interacting with someone who was so close to himself  in intelligence, someone who could easily keep up with the twists and turns and wild leaps of logic that his mind made. His loneliness with Hotch gone and the team all split up also factored into his continued correspondence with her.

 

Then Hotch returned looking better than ever despite the beard and Spencer was hard put not to hug the life out of the man he had missed so much. Luckily everyone else were too focused on the fact that Emily was alive that nobody noticed how Reid was staring at the unit chief. 

 

But Hotch noticed and it gave him such a thrill to see the heat in his lover’s eyes after being gone so long. As soon as the case was wrapped up both men headed home together, by unspoken agreement heading to Reid’s place for the night before Hotch would see Jack in the morning.

 

As soon as they got to Reid’s apartment the younger man practically attacked Aaron, kissing him with a ferocity that left him breathless and wanting.

 

“I missed you, You have no idea how much I missed you. Never leave me like that again.” Spencer gasped between kisses.

 

“Never, It was too long. Way too long. I missed you too.” Hotch answered pressing his forehead to Spencer’s as they both fought to catch their breath.

 

The two men stared into each other’s eyes, needing to see the other, really see, for the first time in too long. Not through a computer screen or phone call - really see each other. 

 

“Spencer,” Aaron whispered, feeling the word between them like a living thing, just his name said so much. Hands reached up to touch his face - long, thin fingers stroking the overgrown scruff gracing his cheeks, jaw and neck. “I’ll go shave.”

 

“Don’t you dare,” the younger man nearly growled as he pulled their faces close together, rubbing his soft, bare cheeks over the whiskers.

 

“Oh, you like that?”

 

“I think I might. It makes you all rough and rugged looking.”

 

Aaron couldn’t help but chuckle. Haley hated it when he let his beard grow out when he was on his Annual Leave and he just kept the tradition up with Spencer. It looked like maybe he could grow it out now and again.

 

“Is that what you want, Spencer? You want rough?”

 

“I want anything as long as it’s you.”

 

That was all the prompting he needed. They came together, a desperate tangle of hands and lips and tongues, wanting to taste and touch and relearn each other after so long away. Buttons were opened and Aaron sighed as Spencer leaned forward, dipping down and tasting every bit of flesh that was revealed to him as he stripped down his wayward fiancé. Once he was blessedly bare, Spencer dragged him back to his bedroom, pushing him down on the bed where he had spent too many sleepless night alone, waiting anxiously for Aaron’s return. He then quickly removed his own clothes, trying his best not to simply rip them from his body but to try and make the action seductive, sensual for his love. He needn't worry. Aaron was practically drooling at the sight of all the pale, luminous skin covering deceptively lean, toned muscle as it was revealed to him. 

 

Aaron looked up at the man he loved and made a decision, asking for something he’d never thought to ask for before.

 

“Spencer, would you fuck me?”

 

The question seemed to stop the young genius cold. He didn’t know if he said something wrong or it maybe it wasn’t something Spencer would want, so he tried to backtrack. 

 

“I mean, it’s okay if you don’t want to, I just…”

 

“Aaron,” Spencer stopped him with his name and hand on his thigh. “I would be honored. You’ve never asked so I thought…”

 

“I didn’t know.” He really didn’t. Until that moment, he didn’t know how much he wanted, how much he  _ needed _ that. “But I want it.”

 

“Yes!” Spencer gasped as he fell on him, his hands and mouth needed every piece of him that Aaron wanted to give. He licked every bit of flesh, kissed every dip and curve, bit every bump and valley, needing to learn every secret Aaron hid in that beautiful body. He found the lube and prepared Aaron thoroughly - maybe too thoroughly if the needy whines and moans from his lover were any indication. When Spencer pressed inside, it was a revelation to both of them. Aaron never realized how empty he had been before that moment and Spencer never realized how much he was missing being surrounded completely by the man who made him whole.

 

They tried to make it last, tried so hard, but the time apart and the desperation they felt made it too much all at once and their coupling was frantic and rough, but no less beautiful than their very first time.

 

Spencer lay on top of Aaron, gasping for breath, wondering how he had spent his entire life and never felt this way, when he felt the man beneath his shift.

 

“Do you need to me to move?” He asked, worried that he was crushing Aaron with his body weight.

 

“Never, Spencer,” Aaron practically begged, reaching out to grip his ass cheeks, holding him in close. “Please never move. Stay right here, always.”

 

Spencer wished he could make that promise.

 

But he knew better.

****************************

The months passed with the team slowly getting back to normal as Emily and JJ slowly gained back the trust that was lost among the lies and faked deaths. Spencer never let on that he had known about Emily’s survival being especially hard on JJ for her part in it, he felt betrayed by the blond as she had seen exactly how much he had been suffering and not breathed a word of the truth even then. He only relented when he saw how guilty Aaron felt that he had been forgiven so easily while the women were not.

 

Neither man brought up wedding plans as both were seemingly content with the status quo. Aaron noted the letters to Maeve but whenever he asked, Spencer just passed it off as letters to the person treating his migraines and Hotch wasn’t inclined to push the issue. If Spencer felt guilty about keeping Maeve a secret from Hotch, he justified it to himself as her having asked for his secrecy to keep her safe from her stalker.

 

Spencer and Jack usually went to pick up or drop off Aaron for his triathlon training, sometimes staying in the park to play while he finished his run so the fact that a woman had approached Aaron on the one day when they weren’t with him rubbed him the wrong way.

 

Then hearing the team and Rossi discussing Hotch’s love life or lack thereof also riled him up some more and so he was in a mood by the time they got home and Hotch couldn’t figure out what he had done wrong or how to get his fiancé to talk to him. Spencer stubbornly ignoring him and playing with Jack.

 

Dinner was a stilted affair with Spencer continuing to give Aaron the cold shoulder and heaping attention on Jack. The young boy loved it but it was obvious that something was wrong. After clearing away and cleaning the dishes, Aaron set out the get his son ready for bed. He was surprised when he discovered Spencer had already taken it upon himself to do it, bathing and taking Jack into his tiny bed.

 

Once he was certain the boy was sound asleep, Aaron approached his fiancé.

 

“Spencer, what’s the matter?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

He knew better than that. “Come on. I’ve been around angry Spencer before. I know what it looks like. Talk to me, please.”

 

“It’s nothing, Aaron. Let’s just go to bed.”

 

Spencer moved to walk past him, refusing to look at him as he breezed through the small hallway. Aaron would have none of it. He reached out and grabbing the smaller man around his left bicep.

 

“Spenc…”

 

He never got the rest out. To his shock, he found himself spun around and pinned to the wall next to Jack’s bedroom door. Spencer was in his face then, nearly seething. 

 

“I said it’s nothing. Leave it, Hotch. Trust me on this.”

 

Hotch. Spencer hadn’t called him Hotch when they were alone in months. When Spencer pushed off and stalked down the hall, part of Aaron’s heart broke. Fear gripped him. Was this it? Was this the moment that Spencer was going to leave him, just like Haley had? 

 

He wasn’t going to let that happen, wasn’t going to go down without a fight - not this time. He followed close behind, flinging the bedroom door closed before whipping Spencer around to face him.

 

“I will not leave it, Spencer. I need you to talk to me. I can’t fix whatever it is I’ve done if you don’t tell me why you’re angry at me.”

 

“You wanna know?” Spencer practically yelled back at him. “You wanna know why I’m angry?! Fine! Maybe I’m a little bit upset that my  _ fiancé _ is spending so much time hanging out and flirting with a beautiful woman!”

 

Aaron gaped at him. Spencer was jealous. He was jealous of Beth.

 

“Spencer,” he said quietly, calmly. “You know there is nothing between me and Beth. We are training together, that’s all. Even if I were unattached, I wouldn’t be attracted to her. She’s completely not my type.”

 

He had hoped the little joke would help defuse the situation but it just seemed to anger Spencer more.

 

“But you won’t tell Rossi that! He wants you to ride her like a fucking bicycle! And you have done nothing to dissuade him from that notion.”

 

Reaching up, he tried to cup Spencer’s cheeks, to make the younger man look at him and see the love in his eyes but Spencer only batted his hands away.

 

“Rossi is always going to be like that with me. He thinks he has to look out for me. If we were out and the team knew, he wouldn’t be like that.”

 

“But we’re not, Hotch, and they all think you’re putting it to her.”

 

“Do you?”

 

Spencer glared.

 

“I can’t...I can’t believe you could think such a thing, Spencer. After what Haley did to me do you really think that I would have an affair? I told you how much that hurt me, how devastated I was when I found out. The phone calls she made, hiding texts and correspondence from me, the guilty sex we would have afte…”

 

Aaron froze. Suddenly it all came into sharp focus. Everything Haley did. 

 

Spencer. 

 

Maeve.

 

It was like a stab to the gut, harder and harsher than anything Foyet inflicted on him. It hurt worse than he ever could have imagined. 

 

“No, it can’t be. You wouldn’t do that to me would you. Please tell me it’s not true.” Hotch begged incoherently.

 

“What the hell are you talking about?” Spencer asked still angry but also confused at the sudden change in Aaron.

 

“You, Maeve….you are cheating on me with Maeve. That’s why you think I would even look at someone who isn’t you. Because you are….No. Please, no.” Hotch said tears running down his face.

 

“Don’t be silly Hotch, I haven’t even met the woman. She’s basically my doctor. The one who helped me get rid of my migraines. The only part of me she had seen is my brain scans. We exchange letters and sometimes I call her. But that’s it. Stop trying to change the subject.” Spencer snapped.

 

“So why do you find it necessary to hide the correspondence from your ‘doctor’ from me?” Aaron fired back sure that he was right.

 

“I do not hide it from you. The fact that you have seen it is proof of that. Am I not allowed some privacy in this relationship? Must I allow you to read every letter sent to me? Is that the only way you will trust me? Might I remind you that I am not the one who lied in this relationship!” Spencer yelled back. The moment he said it he regretted bringing Emily’s ‘death’ into the argument but he wanted to hurt Hotch like he was hurting and he couldn’t control his tongue.

 

Hotch gasped as though he had been struck, the pain no less than from a physical blow but he was not willing to back down at all, they needed to resolve this.

 

“Of course you are allowed privacy Spencer. I don’t need to see every letter. I just need to know that you do not care about that woman.” 

 

“Of course I care about her. She is someone who I know will understand me no matter what I am talking about. She understands me the way nobody else does. And best of all she will not tell me to stop rambling or lament on having lost minutes of her life to my rambling.”

 

Each word was like a knife to the gut, tearing the wounds deeper with every minute.

 

“I thought that was what I was for.” Hotch said quietly, the fight going out of him as he sagged against the wall tiredly.

 

Spencer rolled his eyes, contempt rolling off of him in waves. He wanted a fight, was itching for it, but Aaron wasn’t giving it to him. He figured he just needed to push a little harder and Aaron would snap. 

 

“Very well then, what would you like to discuss, Hotch? Theoretical physics? Euclidean geometry? Do I need to explain to you the joke about why every Penrose triangle has its thorns? Oh, I know! Maybe you’ll actually beat me at a game of chess. How about Go?”

 

He stared down at the man slumped against the wall, refusing to fight, to stand up for himself. He wondered what he needed to do to get the man he wanted.

 

“Hotch,” Aaron whispered, his eyes wet and distant. “You keep calling me Hotch. When did the shift happen, Spencer? When did you decide I wasn’t important anymore?”

 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Spencer raged, his face red as he stood over Aaron threateningly. “I already told you I haven’t even met her yet so I can’t be having an affair. I’m fucking you, not her, or have you already forgotten with your pretty little training partner around all the time?”

 

“It’s called an emotional affair, Spencer. You are going to someone who is not your fiance to fulfill your intellectual and emotional needs. You’re sharing jokes with her, giving her a part of yourself that used to be mine. What did I do, Spencer? I don’t want to lose you, but I can’t live like this. When did you fall out of love with me.”

 

“Fall out of love with you?!” Spencer gaped. “Do you even hear yourself? That is the dumbest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

 

Aaron looked up at him then, his eyes haunted and wrecked. Spencer was shocked at the pain reflected in those eyes he had loved so much.

 

Had.

 

The word stuck, frozen in his mind.

 

“Aaron,” he whispered, frightened at his own thoughts. He fell down onto knees next the man crumpled on the floor of the bedroom they shared. Quickly he crawled up onto the older man’s lap, straddling him with his lean thighs. Gripping his face, Spencer brought Aaron up for a kiss, rough and demanding, needing them both to know how much he loved him, still loved him through it all. 

 

“No, Aaron, no. I love you. I still do. I always have. I always will,” he said cupping the older man’s jaw and placing kisses all over his face till he felt Hotch gently push him away.

 

“Then why does it sound like you are trying to convince yourself Spencer?” Hotch asked sadly. He knew they were done. If Spencer couldn’t convince himself let alone Hotch that he still loved him then there was nothing left to be said.

 

“I think it’s best if you go now. Leave please. I don’t think there is anything left to be said….do you?” Aaron continued looking down and refusing to meet Spencer’s gaze..

 

“No, Hotch...Aaron I..”

 

“Spencer, please….don’t. Just go.” Aaron said still refusing to look up until he heard Spencer leave the room and the front door slam behind the younger man.

_______________________________

 

“Is that why Spencer stopped sleeping over for a while?” Jack asked.

 

“Yeah buddy. That was why.” Hotch answered sadly. Thinking about that argument and the months that followed still hurt as badly as they had then.

______________________________

 

The days that followed Hotch felt a certain numbness settled over him much as it had when Haley died and he welcomed it. He did not want to feel the pain he knew was under the numbness, the pain of having someone else he loved leave him.

 

He kept training for his triathlon with Beth although he didn’t really care about it anymore. He was finding it increasingly difficult to care about anything but Jack these days.

 

When Beth asked him out he couldn’t figure out a reason to refuse and accepted with the same apathy as he had been doing everything else lately. Dave on the other hand was thrilled that his friend was finally moving on and practically announced it to the rest of the team.

 

This news was like a slap in the face to Spencer who had just come to the conclusion that he really did still love Aaron and had decided to try to talk to the older man and see if he would still have him.

 

The intervening weeks had been just as painful for Spencer and only reaffirmed the fact that what he felt for Maeve was nothing more than friendship. He cared about her and wanted her safe from her stalker but he wasn’t in  love with her.

 

Maeve herself had figured out that there was something wrong with Spencer over one of their phone calls and read him the riot act for his behavior. She was the one who had talked him through it all and helped him see things clearly.

 

Hearing about Aaron’s date though Spencer figured he had lost his chance with the other man. He had lost the love of his life to his own stupidity. Seeing Hotch with Beth at the triathlon was another blow that he felt he probably deserved and he couldn’t bring himself to join the others for breakfast with Hotch and Beth.

 

His friendship with Maeve was the only bright spot in his life. She kept him sane and talked him out of his darkest moods and he in turn helped her keep her spirits up when the threat of her stalker had her spirits flagging. He offered several times to help her with her stalker but she was too scared to accept his offer, too scared that her stalker would hurt him. 

 

Still she helped him through Emily leaving the team and Alex joining, through watching Aaron dancing with Beth at JJ’s wedding and everything in between and he felt his affection for her growing. He felt that if he had not met Aaron he might have been on his way to falling in love with Maeve but as it was he was too hurt and too damaged by what had happened to be able to feel anything more than friendship for her.

 

The Sunday he called her and received the cryptic zugzwang message instead his heart stopped in dread. He could not lose her too. He had already lost so much.

 

Aaron was playing with Jack, enjoying a lazy Sunday with his son. The night before Beth had come over and they had all watched a movie together. It was nice, calm and cozy, but at the end of the night when she leaned over to kiss him, he realized that he felt nothing, absolutely nothing for her. It wasn’t fair to her or to himself to keep things going this way. He’d smiled at her, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear, just like he used to do with Spencer and his heart clenched in remembered pain. With a smile, he told her it wasn’t going to work, his heart belonged to another. She had smiled and said she understood before turning around and walking away. 

 

So Sunday was for moving on once again.

 

When his private phone rang, he picked it up, wondering who it could be. His heart dropped into his stomach when he saw Spencer’s name. Spencer never called his private line - not any more. 

 

He answered and all he heard was, “Hotch,” before he was on his way to help.

 

In the end, there was no helping Maeve. Her stalker, Diana, was too far gone and insisted on taking the beautiful geneticist with her. He stood silently, watching as Spencer wept on the floor. The younger man had offered himself over - me for her - and it took everything in Aaron’s control not to run over and scoop his former lover up and hold him forever. 

 

He let Spencer grieve in his own way, giving him time to let his heart heal away from the rest of the team. When he showed up in San Francisco, Aaron’s heart began to race, his palms itching with the need to touch, his arms aching to hold the man he still loved. 

 

The case ended and he overheard Morgan offering to help. He wanted to let Spencer know he would come too, that he would do anything that Spencer needed but he didn’t want to intrude. When he got home, he began to tell Jack what had happened.

 

______________________

 

“I know that part!” The young boy exclaimed, smiling. “I told you we needed to take Spencer some food.”

 

“You did.”

 

_______________________

 

The two Hotchner men climbed the stairs up to Spencer’s apartment, arms laden with bags full of Thai food from Spencer’s favorite place around the corner. Jack knocked quietly, waiting patiently until they heard footsteps approaching. When the door was pulled open, Jack shouted, “Surprise!”

 

Spencer’s eyes flew wide and Aaron smiled at him, lifting the bags up high.

 

“Jack heard that some of the team was coming over to help you clean your apartment and he insisted we bring food. Is everyone already gone?”

 

Spencer looked around, obviously still in shock. 

 

“Yeah, you just missed them.”

 

“Looks like you’ll be eating leftovers for a while then.”

 

They stood there staring at each other for a while until Jack finally prompted, “Are you going to let us in or what?”

 

Spencer chuckled. “I’m sorry. Come in, please.”

 

They walked in and looked around. Aaron was surprised to see that not much had changed. Some pictures had moved, most notably the picture they had taken right after they had gotten engaged was missing, but other than that, it was all so familiar.

 

“You’re staying to eat, right?” Spencer asked.

 

“Of course,” Jack declared, rushing toward the small kitchen. “Dad got me Pad Thai and Sizzling Asparagus for you because it’s your favorite.”

 

“It is.” Spencer smiled and it was the first Aaron had seen in a long time. It was a good look.

 

They sat together at Spencer’s small table, eating and chatting. It felt like it had months before when they had still been in love. Jack and Spencer were talking about school and other things when Spencer asked a question about Beth.

 

“Who?” Jack asked.

 

“Your dad’s girlfriend?”

 

Jack laughed. “Dad doesn’t have a girlfriend, silly. Beth is just a friend who is a girl. She never stayed in the night - not like you did. They never did the weird kissing thing.”

 

“They didn’t?”

 

“Nope.”

 

Spencer turned and stared at Aaron, his hazel eyes wide as he studied the older man. 

 

“She wasn’t your girlfriend.”

 

“No,” Aaron whispered. 

 

“Not like Maeve,” Jack said then, his mouth half full of noodles.

 

“What?” Spencer asked. 

 

“Maeve was your girlfriend. Dad said so. That’s why we’re here. You’re sad because a bad guy took her away like Mommy.”

 

Spencer continued to stare. “She wasn’t my girlfriend.”

 

“Then why are you so sad?”

 

“I’m tired of losing people.”

 

“You haven’t lost us.”

 

Both men turned to look at the young boy. Out of the mouth of babes.

 

__________________________

 

“You kissed him that night.”

 

“I did,” Aaron sighed, thinking about the revelation they’d both had. They thought they’d moved on but in their hearts, they both knew they were still in love with each other, still needed each other.  “And I kissed him every night after that as well.”

_______________________

 

That night the Hotchner men never left Spencer’s apartment. After dinner when Spencer had hesitantly offered to let them stay the night both Hotchners had eagerly agreed. Jack immediately ran off to the second bedroom where he had left some of his stuff the last time he had stayed over to get ready for bed.

 

The two men looked at each other, neither knowing where to begin until Hotch blurted the first thing that came to mind. Something that had been bothering him all this time.

 

“You offered your life for hers. How could you, Spencer? I don’t understand how you could do that to me.” 

 

“I didn’t think you cared. I thought you’d moved on with Beth. Maeve was the only one left in my life who understood me. I couldn’t lose her as well. Not that it mattered. I wasn’t enough. I’m never enough.” Spencer said tears running down his cheeks again as he slumped against the kitchen counter where they had been cleaning up.

 

“Oh love, no Spencer. You are enough. You’ve always been more than enough for me.” Aaron said finally giving in to his need to touch and cupping the younger man's cheeks to wipe away the tears.

 

“You kicked me out Aaron. That’s the second time you’ve done that. How can you say that I am enough when you keep pushing me away?” Spencer asked.

 

“I’m sorry, my love. I really am. I let my jealousy get the better of me. And you didn’t exactly help the situation.” Aaron replied flinching at the truth in Spencer’s words, still standing close to the younger man he took Spencer's hand in his.

 

“You keep calling me that. You keep saying love. Do you really mean it?” Spencer asked an expression of hope in his eyes.

 

“Of course I mean it. Through all of this, every single day since we first kissed I have never stopped loving you. Never. Even when I was being an ass about it I still loved you.” Aaron said and he felt the shudder that went through the younger man’s body.

 

Suddenly Aaron found himself with an armful of sobbing Spencer as Spencer threw himself in Aaron’s arms and sobbed his heart out. Aaron just held him close tears running down his own face and as the sobs abated he tenderly raised the younger man’s face and kissed him, pouring all the love he still felt into the kiss. Spencer returned the kiss with equal fervour. As the kiss ended they heard a sound and turned to find Jack watching them with wide eyes.

 

“Does this mean that you are going to sleep over again Spencer?” Jack asked eagerly.

 

“I think so.” Spencer answered with an enquiring look at Aaron who nodded as well smiling at his son.

 

Aaron suddenly decided that he was sick of tiptoeing around the subject and decided to do something rash, motioning Jack over he crouched to the boy’s height and asked, “How would you feel if someday Spencer and I got married?” 

 

“Aaron.” Spencer said warningly. They were neither of them at a place where it would feel right to get married right now.

 

Raising a placating hand to Spencer, Aaron looked into his son’s eyes. The boys eyes began to shine in excitement.

 

“Yes that would be perfect! Then Spencer can sleep over all the time and he can have all his things there. He has so many more interesting books than you, Dad.” Jack babbled

 

Laughing at his son’s enthusiasm, Aaron stood up and exchanged a smile with Spencer. He could still see the hesitance in the younger man’s eyes and he hated his role in putting it there. After getting Jack in bed, the two men moved to the living room by unspoken agreement and settled next to each other on the couch.

 

“Aaron, you know we are not anywhere close to ready to be married. Why ask Jack? Why now when you didn’t before?” Spencer asked.

 

“It needed to be done. This time I’m not letting you go, ever. We will work our way back to that point eventually and I just needed you to see how much you mean to both of us.” Aaron replied moving his hands to cup Spencer’s jaw and rub a finger along the younger man’s bottom lip.

 

The two men then spent the rest of the night talking like they had never done before. Airing out the problems they had had with their relationship in between kissing and necking. By the morning they were both exhausted but pleased with their progress. They knew that there would be much more work to be done to fix their relationship but they had made a start, a very good start.

 

The next months were busy what with the Replicator taunting the team from the sidelines but Aaron and Spencer still managed to find time to be with each other and Jack. And slowly the relationship was repaired. Spencer managed to buy the condo next to Aaron’s and officially moved into it with the help of the rest of the team and then the two men set about creating a door between the condos connecting them.

 

A few cases later Aaron was watching Spencer walk towards psychotic man with a knife trying to talk him down as he stood by helplessly and it struck him that he really did not want to wait any longer to make Spencer his permanently.

 

When they got home he waited for Jack to get into bed and pulled Spencer into their living room.

 

“What’s up Aaron? You’ve been antsy all day?” Spencer asked with an amused expression on his face.

 

“Marry me Spencer. Tomorrow. I really don’t want to wait any longer.” Aaron said taking Spencer’s hands in his.

 

“Yes Aaron. I’ll marry you tomorrow.” Spencer said smiling widely and kissing his fiancé.

 

“I wanted to get married at the gardens, but I’ll be happy even with the registrar office as long as we have you and me and Jack and Jessica there.” Aaron said when the kiss ended.

 

“You want the gardens, then the gardens you shall have. Leave it all to me.” Spencer said grinning at the older man and getting up to make some calls.

 

________________________________

 

“To this day I don’t know how he did it but he managed it and we were married by the AD,” Aaron said smiling at the memory.

 

“I remember that day. We had to dress up in suits and everyone was so happy.” Jack said. “I’m so glad you finally married Spencer and made him my dad too.”

 

_________________________

 

They’d had a year. A good solid year together as husbands and fathers. It was near torture keeping the secret from the team, but everyone who knew agreed it was for the best. Strauss and then Cruz smoothed things over once the AD was involved while Aaron and Spencer made sure to keep up appearances at work so that no one would be the wiser.

 

Cases sometimes made that difficult - being targeted by the Replicator and then JJ being kidnapped and Emily coming back was hard on all of them. The worst wasn’t part of a case at all. When Aaron collapsed and Rossi insisted on going with him to the hospital, it took nearly everything inside of Spencer not to tear the older man apart with his bare hands to get to go in the ambulance. He went on the case and tried his best to concentrate on the task at hand so he found himself reading about theoretical physics just to remain calm. 

 

In the end, they were alright, learning how to be together and love each other as a family. They were good. They were happy. They were whole.

 

Then Cruz came to them with a case in rural Texas and Aaron agreed to go as a favor to the Section Chief.

 

It was the biggest mistake of his life. 

 

The case was awful - a corrupt system and a controlling preacher led to a shoot out at a small restaurant. As the bullets began to fly, Aaron fought down the sense of panic that gripped him. Somehow he knew something was going to go wrong. First the Sheriff went down, a smattering of blood signaling his imminent death.  Blake darted forward, intent on pulling the man to safety when Spencer did the unthinkable. He jumped up to protect her from the bullets whizzing through the air and then suddenly he was down.

 

“Reid!” he yelled, firing back, begging Rossi and Morgan for cover as he scrambled over to where his love lay sprawled in the dirt, propped up on the Sheriff’s car. Blake held pressure to his neck, whispered fervently to him, begging him to stay awake, to stay alive, please just stay. Aaron crouched down and gently pulled her hand away, flinching back when a spray of blood shot over his face, staining his cheeks and neck a bright, hot red. He immediately pressed her hand back down and shouted over the continued gunfire, “Keep pressure on that. We have to get him out of here.”

 

“Too dangerous,” Spencer whispered but Aaron wouldn't listen. He simply reached down and scooped up the younger man and darted for safety on the other side of the street. He heard Morgan shouting “Bus is on the way!”, glad to know that someone else was looking out for Spencer and an ambulance would come and help save the day.

 

He looked down into the eyes he loved so much and whispered, “It’s okay, Love. You’re going to be okay. Help is on the way.”

 

“Aaron,” Spencer mouthed. Even though no sound came out, he heard his name loud and clear. Spencer was scared. He was too. He stood, cradling the body of the man he loved so much, praying the ambulance would turn the corner any second now.

 

“Hold on,” he pleaded, begged, staring into Spencer’s eyes even as the bright red blood continued to seep through Blake’s fingers despite the fact that she was pressing so hard the flesh of her fingers was nearly white. “You have to hold on. I need you, Spencer.” Not caring that Blake was right there, hearing and seeing everything, he leaned forward, kissing him softly, gently, surprised at how cool those lips felt beneath his own.  “Please, Love. Jack needs you. He needs his Papa. I need my husband. Stay with me.”

 

“For you,” Spencer mouthed, his voice a bare whisper over the loud sounds of the last of the fire-fight. “Anything for you. I love you, Aaron Hotchner.”

 

That was when he heard the sirens, saw the ambulance flying around the corner toward them. The Emergency Team jumped out and immediately took Spencer from Aaron’s arms, placing him on a gurney and working quickly on getting him to the hospital. Dave had rushed over and was standing next Aaron, watching over his shoulder.

 

“Blake should go so we can finish this case. We need to get this jag off.”

 

“No,” Alex said, her voice hard and tight. “Hotch goes. I’ll stay.”

 

He nodded his thanks as he jumped into the back of the ambulance and they drove away into the night.

 

______________________________

 

Jack sat, silent and still, listening intently to the part of the story he had yet to hear. “What happened?” he whispered, his little chin quivering in anticipation.

 

Aaron sighed. “The doctor came out and told me they did everything that they could but the bullet tore through his carotid artery and by the time they got him into surgery he’d already lost too much blood. Two millimeters, the doctor said. If the bullet had been two millimeters to the left, they might have been able to save him.”

 

“But why?” Jack wailed, his tears starting up again. “It’s not fair!”

 

“I know it’s not, Buddy, but he did it to save Alex. Can you imagine how devastated Spencer would have been if she had died instead of him?”

 

“I don’t care!! I don’t care about her! I want my Papa! I want Spencer back!!”

 

Aaron clutched his son to his chest, letting him scream and rant. He didn’t tell him how guilty Blake felt about what happened, how she’d apologized, handed him her gun and badge and walked away. He knew he would be doing the same with Cruz - leaving the BAU behind for good. He couldn’t do it - not now, not anymore, not without Spencer. He’d spend the rest of his career second guessing every decision, worrying about who he was putting in danger every case, every raid. No, it was better this way. Without Spencer, his heart was gone, lost, never to be returned. 

 

***************

 

Two weeks later they stood in the gardens on a warm autumn night. It was twilight, Spencer’s favorite time. The trees were lit with beautiful white fairy lights, lilies and honeysuckle decorated the tables. Once everyone was seated and quiet, Aaron rose, Jack by his side.

 

“We’d like to thank you all for coming,” he said, his voice strong and deep, easily drifting over the somber crowd. “No one likes occasions like this, especially Spencer. He hated funerals or memorial services or anything that reminded him of the pain of loss. In fact, if there is an afterlife, he’s probably pretty mad at me right now.”

 

Several people chuckled at the light joke. He took a deep breath, fortifying himself to continue.

 

“But today isn’t just about remembering Spencer. We have a special dedication.”

 

He looked down at Jack who smiled back him before releasing his father’s hand and pulling at the drape covering the stand in front of them. It revealed a beautiful granite stone that declared the place they were standing to be the  _ Dr. Spencer Reid Memorial Garden.  _

 

“Welcome to the Spencer’s Garden,” Jack said, a big smile on his face, even as tears rolled down his cheeks.

 

He heard several gasps as some of the guests read the inscription beneath the newly named area.  _ Agent. Husband. Father. Always loved - Never forgotten. _

 

Jack came back and slipped his hand into Aaron’s own. Their eyes met as they smiled together, gathering strength from each other. 

 

“You see,” Aaron started, looking up at the crowd listening intently. “Spencer loved this garden. This is where we had our first date. This is where he proposed to me. This is where we were married. So when he left us, I had to buy it for him so we could come here and feel his presence even though he is gone.”

 

There was a murmuring in the crowd and Aaron couldn’t help but smile through the tears.

 

“If you’d indulge us, Jack and I would like to tell you a love story between a brilliant young genius, and an older, but no wiser agent, and a strong little boy they called their son. I’m sure Spencer would have loved to tell it to you himself just to see the looks on all of your faces right now. He loved surprises like this. He’d tell it better than I ever could because he would remember everything, telling you all in perfect detail while Jack and I can only do our best. He’d tell you about pain and loss but most of all he’d tell you about the love we shared. 

 

And maybe, just maybe, that’s what hurts the most.”

 

He waited. The crowd was silent. So he began to tell the tale.

 

“Many years ago, we got trapped, Spencer and I, in a prison cell with a very bad man. It was a good thing he is so smart or else we both might have died that day…”

 

**END**


End file.
